It was almost a year ago when I escaped that realm of influence. I’m pretty sure he still knows where I am, how to find me. I wouldn’t even be surprised if he knew I had this blog already, if both of them do, the people who can threaten to ruin my life.
I have this stupid habit of bringing dangerous people into my life. They seem innocent enough on the outside, but then it all shatters and I find out exactly what kind of crazy they are. It’s horrifying, but the story of my life. Thankfully, two of them are relatively harmless. One has seemed to move on. It’s been nearly four years, so I’m sure he’s found someone else. The other? He still pops in now and again, but I think he’s too afraid of winding up in jail to ever be a real threat. He’s too smart to make a mistake like that. His whole life would be ruined if he landed in jail because I felt threatened. He’s threatening enough as is without even acting on it. There’s a reason I don’t talk to him.
But this one person from my past? I never liked him. Since the very first day he made me uncomfortable. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I thought I must just be prejudice because he’s got this air of typical trailer trash and he’s a dirty old man. I kept trying to shake it, but it just wouldn’t budge. The whole thing just creeps me.
The worst part is he preyed on me when I was weak. He knew I was damaged, yet he took advantage of me anyway. He forced me to do things I didn’t want to do, though he’ll never admit it. He’ll say I led him on. I say it was the only thing I could do to protect my family. It was send myself to the slaughter, or end up in even worse trouble, so I did the best I knew how.
After I finally got free, I was stuck with harassing texts for months. If my number hadn’t changed, I might have still gotten them. He tried to use my kids to force me to come back. He tried to make me fear I’d lose them. When that didn’t work, he used all the resources at his command to hunt me down. He seemed to know my every move, though he never had the guts to actually come after me, or maybe he was afraid of the legal battle that would ensue. Getting a restraining order on you isn’t exactly good for your reputation. I had no choice but to leave, and go as far as I could possibly get.
I know he won’t come here. He’s too afraid of legal repercussions. He’s too afraid of what I’ll be able to do. It’s too much money and too far to drive. I’m safe here. That’s why I came here.
And yet, he’s still won. I can’t help the sick feeling I get in my gut every time someone watches me a little too closely as I walk down the street, ,or pays a little too much notice to my car. I want to hide anyone comes near me to ask directions, doubly so if they’re driving. It’s got me trapped inside, afraid to go out, afraid to live my life, lest he find me. I’m terrified of what he might do if he finds me. Maybe it would be nothing. Maybe it would be everything.
Even so brief as a couple of months ago I got notification. He saw a post on my Instagram, liked it, the unliked it. I don’t know how he would have come across it, or why he would have chosen that page, but I blocked him, and just about everyone who ever knew him. I hate doing it, but I need to feel safe. Seeing the name pop up that’s obviously his is rattling. I just want to scream at him to leave me be, but he won’t. He never will, not until he’s gone. I’m not the kind to wish death on anyone, but I wouldn’t cry if that day were to come. At least then I could stop feeling afraid.
As I’ve been reminded so many times, this guy is everywhere. He’s used someone who works for the bail bond office to dig up information. He’s not above having people follow me, or anyone else on his radar, for that matter. He’s a terrifying individual for that very reason.
I keep telling myself it’s only going to be a few more days until I have my letter. Then I can start working on a job. I’m putting in my application for SSA, then I don’t have to leave if I don’t want to. I can stay at home where it’s safe most days.
I know it doesn’t have to be like this. I don’t want it to be like this. All I want is to finally be safe. I want to be in a place where he can’t reach me. Only then will I ever truly be able to feel at home.