Focus on the Good, Roll Your Eyes at the Bad

For being a bit of a mixed bag, today wasn’t quite as stressful as I thought it would be.  It could have been crazy stressful, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.  It could have been a hell of a lot worse.

It all started out with a sleepless night, as usual.  I’m getting tired of those.  Somehow my kids managed to get off to school without more than barely waking me.  This is something that never happens.  I’m pretty sure I muttered something about being awake all night and they just reacted accordingly.  I was completely in shock over the whole thing, but grateful.

I was supposed to have a home visit from my case worker today.  She called me first thing in the morning to remind me that I had to meet with her at the office.  I couldn’t help but my eyes at that in frustration.  I’m so tired of her doing this to me.  Yes, the lack of home invasion is nice, but I’m not ready to drive right now.  It’s a long walk, and my littlest is home right now until whatever stupid chaos with the daycare is sorted out.  I can’t manage a half hour walk with a toddler, then to turn around and walk back.  On top of that, I had my counseling today.  There was just no way that would ever work.  I “forgot” to call her back until after I’d had a shower and everything, after our appointed meeting time.  I was pretty annoyed.  What’s worse is she got that disappointed tone to her voice.  I offered to meet her later in the day, but she couldn’t do it.  I’m sorry, but life happens.  Things come up.  I have other things to do with my time than changing plans last minute to walk across town to meet in the office.  The arrangements were for my house, so that’s what it should have been.

My counseling seems to be at a point of stagnation again.  I feel like I’m floundering, but we’re still stumbling by.  I appreciate the whole hippie idea of working through it and trying to reprogram my thinking, but I feel like it’s not doing enough.  I still feel like I’m going backwards.  I made some ground with the service dog, but until I have a dog, there’s very little help that’s going to be.  It’s a theoretical fix at this point.  I’m starting to lose my faith in my counselor again, which is frustrating me.

On the other hand, I had a ride to my appointment, which was nice.  The walk home wasn’t to bad, aside from being in the middle of a brutally hot Indian summer.  I listened to my music, and made it most of the way home tuned out before I needed a support call.  I was feeling weak because of the heat.  I don’t handle heat well and am prone to fainting from heat exhaustion.  However, I did it.

Things being as they were, I was feeling kinda on cloud nine.  I decided I’d chill out and play some video games.  I played Captain Toad: Treasure Tracker on my Wii U.  I know, I know, a homeless girl that has a very expensive, new game system and a television.  Actually, it’s admittedly a rather large television.  I’ve got two other game systems here as well as a small handful of games.  Wouldn’t it make more sense to sell the systems and the television?  Put the money towards Marley?  To answer that, the television and other two game systems are on loan.  I was allowed to borrow them because playing video games helps when my anxiety is bad.  If that doesn’t help, I can always put the kids in front of Minecraft in cooperative mode so they can play together while I decompress.  The only part of it all I actually own is the Wii U, which I got as a birthday present.  Selling that would really insult the people who pooled to get it for me, and it’s honestly not worth enough to even make sense.

But playing video games is a bit of a problem when I have places to be.  I had to go on the walk of shame to school to pick up my kids, late enough to meet them in the office.  Thankfully I wasn’t alone, because I can’t manage that walk.  I can’t walk alone in that neighborhood.  Plus, I couldn’t handle the stress of looking like the bad mom because I was late.  Thankfully, I wasn’t the only one.  There were six other moms there, muttering lame excuses to their kids.  My excuse of playing video games and losing track of time sounded just as lame, but I was backed up with a voice of reason reminding me and informing the kids that I was only sidetracked and distracted because the heat does that to me.

My friend then asked me if I felt I had the confidence to drive down the street to the local grocery store.  He was going to help me get the grocery shopping done, because I really needed to.  He doesn’t have a license or he’d gladly have been the one to drive.  He reminded me that he was there with me, and if need be, he knows how to drive.  It would be better to explain to an officer that I was in no shape to drive and we had to get the kids home than to have me get into an accident if I felt like I had to drive or I’d be stuck, so we went.

That’s when I went all kinds of nuts, in a good way.  I picked up another hunk of meet and some potatoes for a new pot roast.  I picked up some really tasty seasoning to throw in there too.  The last pot roast ended up dinner for three days.  I don’t want to burn the kids out on pot roast, but it would make one nice dinner and feed me lunches for the week.  I might even get two dinners out of it and a week of lunches.  I got a whole chicken for roasting and some veggies for that.  I forgot carrots, but I got a butternut squash and an acorn squash.  We got a few more basics, but that equated into three good dinners for the week, possibly four with how much I have to go with the chicken.  I’m actually excited to cook again.  That’s twice now, which is huge for me.  I always used to love cooking and baking.  It’s good to be getting it back.  I missed that interest of mine.

It ended with making more of those little crochet hearts.  The current count is 60, though some of those still need a tad bit of finishing work. That’s a far cry from the 2500 that I need to finish and sell, but it’s a start.  Every day is one more chance to finish it all.  Then I threw together a page just for the occasion, Hearts for Marley.  I’m hoping to have an Etsy page up for it soon, that way people can buy directly from my little shop, a direct way to support my project.  Of course, it could take months for that to catch on.  I may not be able to take Marley home, but if I work hard enough, I can pay for a different fully trained dog. I can still make this happen (though I may need to change the name, since it won’t be Marley anymore.)

Overall, I’ve had a pretty productive day.  It feels like it’s been a roller coaster of ups and downs, but I’ve been able to focus on the good today.  It gives me hope that I might just be able to have a normal life, where I can do these things.  I’ve got something to focus on, to work towards, to keep me positive.  I just need to keep having days like this and maybe, just maybe, I’ll skate by without falling too much further.  I might not be making much progress, but at least the falling may be over.  I may even be creeping my way up.

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5 thoughts on “Focus on the Good, Roll Your Eyes at the Bad

  1. I think the fact that you were practical with your grocery shopping but bought stuff that actually required effort to make…is a very good sign that you’re creeping your way up. Good job, and enjoy the pot roast.

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    • I’ve kind of got to buy stuff that takes effort to make. Between not having a microwave and having food allergies, I’m kind of stuck making everything myself, unless I want to eat nothing but pasta and raw fruits and veggies, so that helps. I really don’t have a choice to be lazy. It’s go big or go home. I guess that’s been one of my barriers. It’s one extreme or the other, so often times I end up voting on doing nothing at all. Definitely making the effort is an improvement.

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