Beyond Stressed

I think that says it all.  I’m beyond stressed right now.  I’ve had two back to back days of shopping, one of them on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, my parents over yesterday, and then today it was my grandmother, aunt, and uncle.  I’m so burnt out right now.  And the inspection, as it turns out, wasn’t today.  That’s going to be tomorrow.  I’m going to have to handle it alone because the other responsible adult in the house has to work.  I feel physically ill at the thought of it.  I’ve barely been able to eat for days.  Now I’ve got this hanging over me and I’m half starved.  This isn’t working out fantastically well.  On top of it all, we’re pretty much out of money until Friday.

Let me tell you a little thing about how I handle stress.  Let’s start and end with “I don’t.”  I don’t handle stress well at all.  Even with medication this whole week has been enough to pretty well put me to tears.  I am literally sitting at my computer talking myself out of crying as I write this.  I’ve had enough.

And it’s not just stressful stuff, it’s stressful people.  My grandmother, in my own living room, had the nerve to tell my daughter how important it was for her to stay in school.  I’m sorry, but if I homeschool my kids, that’s my business.  She has no right to pressure my daughter to stay in school, especially if she hates it.

I swear, the judgment train rolled into the station today and I’m lucky I got through as unscathed as I was.  My family doesn’t spend time at my house for a reason.  I don’t want them here.  I don’t want them spending time with me.  I don’t want them to be a part of my life, but they have to be.  I’m not entirely sure how I want to make this work in the future, but hosting all the craziness here doesn’t sound like the answer.

Right now I’m so exhausted.  I just want to go back to bed.  My stomach hurts.  I’m probably going to attempt to play my video game again, but I don’t know how successful I’ll be.  I can’t concentrate.  I’m honestly ready for bed, but I can’t go to bed because the kids are still awake.

Oh well, I guess I’m going to have to find a way to get through one more day, but days like these make it incredibly difficult not to shut down.  The other responsible adult in the house refuses to call out tomorrow, which means I have no choice but to do it on my own, and just the thought of it has tears rolling down my cheeks because I’m just done.  I can’t handle this anymore.  I want to quit, to leave, but there’s no other option.  I really don’t want to let this break me, but I really don’t have much choice in what I can handle and what I can’t.


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