Cold Weather and Lack Luster

Today it’s cold out, so cold that I decided not to bother sending the kids to school when it was announced that they had a half day.  It was so cold that I thought it best not to bother with anything because I just didn’t want to deal with the cold.  My feet have been buried in blankets pretty much all day long.  I’ve been holed up in my room with the kids because it’s one of the warmest rooms in the house.  I am not a fan of the cold.

As for the rest of the title, I’m just not feeling it today.  I’m not feeling anything.  I managed to get dressed, but I’m feeling to blah about anything to even put on a bra.  Our company for the night was supposed to be cancelled, but I don’t think it was.  Before that time I’m going to throw on a bra and pretend to be functional, but before that I’m not going to do terribly much.  I just don’t want to be bothered.

And yet I know I’m going to have to get out of this funk sooner or later.  Not only do I have Christmas stuff to do, but I’ve also been invited to a gay New Year’s Eve party.  I have to admit, I’ll feel a little awkward there.  I’m not really anything right now, but I’m determined to go out and have some fun.  It seems to be a very club night kind of event, so I’m not sure what that’s going to be like.  I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to wear, which makes me all kinds of nervous about the event, so I’ve got to get some excitement generated about all of this.

Right now I’m just feeling a little burnt out.  The holidays really take a toll on me and I’m not sure I’m up for all the rounds of Christmas I’m going to have to do.  We’re thinking about doing something for Christmas Eve.  Christmas Day is always a big event.  Then after Christmas I have two more points where people are supposed to bring gifts for the kids.  I feel like it’s going to be a whole exhausting ordeal.

I’m not sure I’m up for all of this, but I’ve got to find a way to make it through.  I really wish I could just give up and curl up under my blankets, but there’s just too much to do.  Tomorrow it looks like we’re painting my daughter’s room.  Sunday we may get ambitious and get more paint, then paint another room.  Then during the week, when all the kids are in school, we’re going to be trying to do the hall.  That will leave us one more room to accomplish, and then everything will be done, still nice and fresh for the inspection.  Then there will be little things here and there, but not terribly much.  Mostly we just need to make sure the house is clean and we do what we can about the fruit fly population that seems to not want to die.  Hopefully he won’t go into the kitchen so it won’t be a problem.

For now I think I’m just going to go back to watching Gilmore Girls.  I need a break from life again.  I’m exhausted and I haven’t even done anything.  It’s this cold.  It makes everything hurt and that wears me down.  It doesn’t help that I’m under a lot of stress right now.  I’m ready to curl back up in my fleecy pajamas and go back to bed.


Paint Acquired, Order Placed, Stress Managed

The title really says it all on this one, but I’ll go into more detail.  Somehow I’m not sleeping, again, even though I took my meds.  I’m not even tired.  This means I must write.  It’s something to do.

First, paint has been acquired.  We got two gallons, one in pink, the other in sage.  The pink one is Pinkie Pie pink.  My daughter is obsessed with Pinkie Pie.  Since her room is the worst and needs painting the most, we decided to give her some color with pink paint.  We’re going to do all her walls in pink.  I’m debating on getting some stencils with balloons to do a border on her room, but I think just having it pink and covering the walls with her art tacked up should be enough.  I might even sketch a Pinkie Pie picture for her walls too.  I used to be good at that sort of stuff.

As for the sage green, we’ve decided to do an accent wall kind of thing in the hallway.  We’re painting the wall that’s been colored on and wrapping around the lower half of the stairs with the sage green.  The rest we’re leaving white for practicality reasons.  There’s one section we have to paint over with white, but we can cross that bridge when we get there.  For now we’re concentrating on the part that’s going to be green.  That will cover the bulk of the space we need to paint in the hall.  We plan to mirror that in the upstairs hallway.  Since a gallon of paint is a lot for that space, we plan to do the other responsible adult’s room in the same sage green color.  I think it’ll be nice.

What’s the plan for the other rooms?  We’re getting the paint two containers at a time because it’s coming home via bus, so the next two things of paint will cover the final two bedrooms upstairs.  We’re going to do one room blue, and the other a combination of purple and blue, Frozen colors.  We might use the pink to do some stenciled flowers around the edge, or possibly some hearts.  That leaves us with the kitchen, the living room, and my room to paint.  We don’t have to paint those rooms necessarily, but I really want to.  I think we’ll be a lot happier if we’ve got some color throughout the apartment.  Since we’re not planning to leave any time soon, I think we should just paint the whole place up to our liking and call it a day.  I’m thinking a nice golden yellow might be good for the kitchen, a cool blue or maybe purple for the living room, and a lighter shade of sage for my room to keep it bright but also zen.  It’s either that or my room would look really good in a Tiffany blue, then I can replace the posters and give the place a Paris feel, at least Paris in my mind.  I’m actually starting to get excited for painting.

As for the orders, we got a few things we really needed, and a few fun things.  I purchased the replacement boots for Nika, along with her jacket.  We also got her a travel water bowl and a disc toy for when we’re out in a dog friendly place.  She’s also getting a stuffed dragon, similar to the one Darcy had, but purple.  She always stole Darcy’s dragons, so I figure those aren’t a bad bet for her.  Then there was a handful of school workbooks for my littlest one.  Finally, we ordered a printer and ink.  We still need to get paper, but it’ll be much easier to print up documents and things like that if we’ve got a printer at home.  Spending the money really stressed me out, but it was good to get it done.  The next big order I place through Ruffwear is going to include a travel food bowl, I think, as well as a dog bed, maybe a day pack.  It’s all stuff that’s not necessary, but will certainly be useful.

And this is why my stress has been managed.  I’ve taken care of some stuff I really needed to do.  The paint is taken care of, so that’s a huge relief on me.  Now we can get painting and get things done.  Once the painting is done, we just need to worry about keeping the house tidy for when the inspector comes.  That shouldn’t be too hard to do, especially since we know the date he’s going to be here.  I’m feeling pretty good about this.

There are a couple other things, aside from bills, that need to come out of this check.  For starters, I really want to replace my jewelry with smaller hoops for my lips, and a retainer or something I can easily change out for my nose.  I also desperately need to get some glasses.  My vision is becoming a constant problem.  I don’t care if they’re cheapies from Walmart Vision Center or Costco, so long as I can get new glasses.  I need to be able to see.  Still, those are easy enough things to handle.  Now I just need to get in and pay the bills so I know how much we have left over to do those things.

Holiday Stress

I am not holding up well this holiday season.  There’s too many things left up in the air.  Too much is in chaos.  I’m not good at this.  I can’t handle it.  This is not what I pictured myself doing this time of year.  It never is.

This year there’s a lot relying on money.  Most of that money situation will be resolved if the VA comes through like they’re supposed to.  I’m really counting on that VA check this month, in spite of how badly it’s supposed to be cut back.  That’s going to be what gives us the money to pay our bills.  It’s what’s going to give us the money to get a few Christmas presents, and a birthday present for one of the kids.  It’s going to be what makes a difference in us having a good year, or just another day of struggling through.

Today I got stuff done, but it felt like a whole lot of nothing.  We went to the library, printed off some paperwork, and got my prescriptions.  I think that’s the biggest one, that I got my prescriptions.  Tomorrow I have counseling.  It’s starting to feel like everything I do is just doing things to do them.  It doesn’t feel like I’m actually getting anything accomplished anymore.

On the good side of things, the other responsible adult just did his drug test for a new job.  It pays all of three dollars above minimum wage, which isn’t much, but at least it’s something.  It’s a decent job and will have decent hours.  There’s no reason his drug test would come back positive for something, but I’m still paranoid.  We once all had to take drug tests because of something with child services.  The tests all came back positive for amphetamines.  After the fact they decided to do a hair follicle test, not a mouth swab, this time even the kids, and the whole thing turned out to be for nothing.  None of us were positive for even exposure to anything.  Since then I’m always paranoid of a false positive drug test.  Until he has a start date, I’m not going to be comfortable trusting that job is a sure thing, if that makes any sense.

I’m just holding my breath for something positive.  Usually when we’re this squeezed something positive happens.  Something or other swoops in and means we’re not quite as bad off as we thought we were.  I’m hoping that’s the case now.  I’m hoping the VA comes back with more money than we thought with at least what I think we’re going to get.  As long as we get the same amount as we got last month, we should be okay.  Since last month they counted in the other responsible adult’s old job where he made so much more money, so this month, in theory, we should have significantly more.  I’ve got my fingers crossed.  It might be all I can do at this point.

Man, I love the holidays and all the stress they bring.  At least I have my meds handled and I’ve got a vaporizer to add some moisture to the air so hopefully I can be a little more well rested.  Hopefully that’ll give me some peace of mind.  I just can’t imagine how bad I’d be without the meds to help me out.

Meetings and Snow

Today I took my first trip by Uber.  I didn’t bring Nika because I’ve heard all the horrible stories about dogs and Uber, and I didn’t have the time to mess around.  I got out of my med appointment with barely enough time to get home before having to head out for a meeting.  It was craziness.

I’ll be honest, I hope I don’t have to do an Uber ever again.  The first driver was nice enough but the second was a little bit of a psycho.  Plus it was almost unbearably uncomfortable riding in a car with a complete stranger.  I can’t imagine having the confidence to insist they take my service dog with me.

The worst part about this whole thing was the snow.  My feet are now wet and cold.  I’m feeling kind of cranky and miserable right now because of it.  I’m glad I didn’t walk that whole way in this weather.  It would have been a long walk in the wet and the cold.


Pink Lady California Roll

Yesterday wasn’t all that bad though.  I went out to sushi with my sister.  I’m not a big sushi eater, but I’m coming to find there’s some sushi that I really do like.  We got a pretty wide assortment last night, which turned out fairly well.  My sister’s choice was a sweet potato tempura.  The rest were my suggestions.  She recommended the Philadelphia roll, which I’ve had in the past and loved.  Then we decided to branch out and get a couple of new ones, apparent specials of this particular establishment.  There was a salmon teriyaki roll, which was topped with cooked teriyaki salmon.  That one was delicious.  The other was called the pink lady California roll.  I’m not sure what was in it, but it was wrapped in pink paper, which was amazing.  It was also a huge roll, which made it hard to fit in my mouth.  I almost ended up with crumbles of sushi all over the place.  Still, it was worth it.  It was incredibly good!  I think this was the first time I ate almost as much sushi as my sister.


Nika’s first subway ride

This was also a big first adventure for Nika.  She’d never been on the subway before.  Not only did we go on the subway, but we also went on the train and a lot of unfamiliar escalators.  She’s not a huge fan of those.  She did fairly well on the train and subway though.  She learned she could fit under the seats on some subway cars, so she tucked herself under and snuggled up to my foot.  I got so many compliments on how well behaved she was on the subway.  A few people didn’t even realize she was there.  I did, however, find out that dogs aren’t really a problem on the train and subway here.  We saw a couple other dogs taking the subway and both of them looked like pets.  One definitely didn’t have the behavior a service dog would have.  It was good to see that she was not an issue at the least.  I was pretty comfortable having her by my side as a result.  It wasn’t half bad at all.

Now I just need to give it a couple days for my jacket refund to get back to me.  Then I can put the money down on ordering her a new one so snowy days like today aren’t as big of a deal.  I’ll know she’ll stay dry.  Then we need to get her booties sorted out so she doesn’t have to worry about the salt so much, though she didn’t have issues today.  I just wouldn’t want to risk it.

In other news, for those who want to know, Darcy is doing quite well in her new home.  She seems to be settling in nicely.  It looks like the move was a good one for her.  She’s been out enjoying the snow and the weather.  I really think this was the right choice.

No More Doggy Doorbell

Now that Miss Darcy is gone, I’ve noticed we no longer have a doggy doorbell.  We get little woofs when someone comes in, sometimes just a grumble, but no flying to the top of the stairs, barking their heads off.  Since I don’t do barking dogs, this is actually an incredible thing for me.  It should help a good deal with the neighbors too.

I’d always thought Darcy was the problem with the door barking.  Nika always got worked up when Darcy started barking, but sometimes it seemed like Nika was the first one to start the barking.  My guess is she could tell Darcy was getting tense, or could hear some really low grumbling that I didn’t hear, then she would lose her head because that’s what she thought she had to do.  In her mind she was defending the house from an invader.

Now that Darcy’s gone the house has gotten quieter.  There’s no longer a riot every time it sounds like someone’s at the door.  There’s no longer barking when there’s someone making noise outside.  Darcy had a lot of people she didn’t like around the house, but now I don’t have to worry about that.

Nika, by contrast, is a chill and quiet dog.  She doesn’t seem to care about noises outside.  She’s gotten used to all the local smells.  She doesn’t seem inclined to bark at just about anything.  She’s not as nervous and edgy as Darcy was at all.  This might make it easier to have a dog here.

Better still, it should be easier to argue to the landlord that she should be allowed to stay.  If all we have is one quiet, chill dog, one that doesn’t cause any problems with anyone, he shouldn’t have a problem with her.  Since she’s legally allowed as a service dog, I can’t see anything what he could complain about.  There shouldn’t be any further incidents, especially if she’s always out on leash.

I feel bad that I’m glad Darcy’s gone.  I brought her into my house and cared for her.  It was my job to provide a home for her, but instead of providing a home, I ended up giving her away.  I couldn’t love her the way she needed to be loved, and we can’t afford a dog that’s not going to be earning her right to be here.  We don’t need a pet.  We need a medical accommodation.  That’s a huge difference.

At least I can be pretty happy knowing I can be left alone at the house without having a riot every time someone comes to the door.  I know the other responsible adult can go to work without leaving me at home with a barking menace.  I won’t have to worry constantly about animal control being called on us and all of that.  It eases my paranoia that much more.  That’s a huge help.

I know Darcy is living with a better family for her now.  She has a job.  She’ll get the attention and the love she deserves.  She won’t be stressed out by kids constantly with her all the time, which will be a huge benefit to her.  She won’t have another dog to compete with, which will help her out a good deal.  I know she’ll be spoiled there.  I just need to focus on that and stop feeling guilty.

Miss Darcy Is Gone, But the Stress Is Not

Yeah, Miss Darcy is gone to her new home today.  It went surprisingly well.  The kids seemed not to really care about it, so that’s a plus.  My poor littlest now says we need to get a new dog, which isn’t going to happen.  At least I can feel pretty good about Miss Darcy going to a good home.

That leaves Nika as the only dog in the house.  She doesn’t seem too upset about Miss Darcy leaving.  She’s just being her usual self, lounging in the doorway to my room, sleeping the day away.  I’m sure she’ll be happy to be the only one getting love and attention.  That will do her well.

In a way, I’ve got to admit, I’m relieved to have Miss Darcy gone.  Now I’ve only got one pup mouth to feed, which makes my life so much easier.  I’ve got less to worry about there.  I’ve got one dog to worry about putting up at night, and one dog to take out, now that we’ve got to take the dogs out on leash.  I’ve got the dog that doesn’t pull or get overly excited when it comes to all of that.  It’s a huge burden off of me.

And then that relief was met with instant stress.  The landlord heard about the incident with the cops being called over a dog being off leash in the back yard.  Since then we’ve been keeping the dogs on leash in the yard, just to prevent any further incident.  The neighbor falsely claimed the dog jumped up on her kid, though she didn’t say which one.  The dogs didn’t even make it past the end of the driveway.  The dog that’s been all the problems is gone, so thinks should be better from here on in.

However the landlord is now thinking about asking everyone with dogs to leave the property.  I know the landlord can’t ask me to remove my dog.  Legally I have a right to have her.  He’s got to find an out to the Fair Housing Act in order to have her removed from the property, and I plan to challenge that in court if it comes down to it.  He’s done nothing about the other dog on the property, so I don’t see why he would suddenly do something about mine now that “the problem dog” is no longer here.

So now I’m stressing out, needlessly, about having to deal with the landlord giving us problems with having dogs on the property.  I know I can’t do anything.  I’ve got all my ducks in a neat little row on this one.  Pretty soon he can’t even claim destruction of property because the crayon has been removed and the VA rep is coming on Monday to help us paint.  The rent is being taken care of, as well as the rent for January, apparently, so that covers everything.  The landlord will have no grounds to say we’re not fulfilling our commitments.  That leaves him no grounds to stand on but challenging my right to a fully trained service dog and risking being sued for discrimination, which I have every intention of doing if it comes down to that.

This has been a roller coaster month and it’s just started.  I’ll be honest, I can’t wait for Christmas to come so we can have something happy to look forward to.  Our next inspection is right after Christmas, the end of the window after Christmas, so we’ve got to have everything cleaned up and in order by then.  Worst case scenario, we pack all the new stuff up and put it in the basement until the inspection is over, then bring it all out again.  He can’t claim poor housekeeping if the toys from Christmas are mostly put away neatly.  We’ll have that in control and the graffiti taken care of, so the inspection should be quick and done.  That’s one more thing that needs to be finished up and put behind me.

For now, I think I need to just take a deep breath, walk away, and spend my time watching Gilmore Girls or something to unwind.  I’m only on Season 2 of the original series.  That means I’ve got a lot to watch still, especially since they’re long seasons.

Now I just have simple things to worry about, like realizing they sent us two different sizes of boots for the front paws, and I don’t know which size is which.  I’m thinking I’ll try them both on Nika’s front and back paws and if need be, return them and swap them again.  As long as the new boots fit, I can send back the old ones that didn’t fit and order whatever size will fit her.  I’ve emailed them about the problem and hopefully that will solve everything.

It’s pretty much the waiting game right now.  We’re expecting snow for Sunday, when I’m supposed to be going out.  I won’t have her nice jacket by then.  I don’t think it’ll get cold enough for her to get cold, but it would have been nice to have the jacket and booties for her, especially the booties for safety.  That would make a huge difference.  I’ll just have to make do, or pick up something cheap for the weekend.  I’m leaning towards making do.  I don’t really want to invest in another jacket when she’s got a good jacket on the way.  Same with booties.  This is so frustrating.  I wish I went with my gut on the jacket and didn’t second guess myself.

This week officially has me tired.  The only good news is the VA rep taking care of the painting with us, so that will be done.  Rent getting caught up on.  Our income status being corrected with the housing authority, and Darcy finding a new home.  Hopefully the turn of good stuff will continue as we get the gifts from the places they’re coming from.  And the other responsible adult has a drug test and then he should be in for a better job.  Keep your fingers crossed.

I Am Possibly the Most Boring Person Ever to Exist

Yeah, that’s how I feel about it today.  My life feels somehow pointless.  Then again, I also haven’t left the house since, I don’t even know when.  I think it was last week for my counseling appointment.  That’s kind of what happens when I don’t leave the house.  I start to realize just how little I do in a day when I do nothing but spend time at home.  Getting out definitely helps with the depression more than I care to admit.

However, when I’m home with nothing to do, I tend to spend the whole day in bed.  I mean, I showered this morning, but that’s about all I did that was productive.  I sat around in bed, watching Gilmore Girls and feeling sorry for myself.  I don’t even know what brought it on.  I think it’s the cold weather.

Now that it’s cold I’m feeling pretty uninspired.  I don’t want to go out on the days I can go out, so I spend a lot of time stuck indoors, not feeling inspired to do anything.  Instead I barely take care of myself and do as little as possible.  I’m noticing a trend this time of year.  I get severely depressed and do nothing but watch Netflix and look for excuses not to leave my room.

At least this year I’ve been better.  I have counseling every week, so that means I’ve got to drag myself out of the house.  I’ve got appointments to make for school and everything else, so that means I’ve got to get myself out of the house.  And when I am home I’ve been trying to watch movies in my room, sitting on my bed with the kids.  That means I’m not totally being antisocial, and the kids really seem to enjoy it.  It keeps them out of trouble too.  I end up with less marks on my walls because they’re not upstairs to get into any trouble.  That definitely helps my stress levels.

There’s also other things that differ now from years past.  I’m not waiting until I can’t stand it anymore to take a shower.  I mean, I’m not showering daily, but it’s a regular routine, pretty much every third day, not so long I can’t stand it anymore.  I’m making sure the kids shower often enough too, which is something I’ve often not cared about before because I just couldn’t feel inspired to care.  The house gets cleaned up, with a lot of help from the kids and the other responsible adult in the house.  I’ve even played video games a little, and not the kind that come as apps on the phone.  It requires more brain power.  Then there’s all the knitting I’ve been doing.  I should be working on finishing my NaNoWriMo novel, but I’m feeling too done with it.

At the same time, I have to wonder what the point of it all is.  What’s the point in getting up if I have nothing to do?  What’s the point in going out if there’s nowhere to go?  We’re too broke to even enjoy just going to a coffee shop and reading a book.  There’s not a lot to do in the house, mostly because I’m so uninspired.  I’m just not feeling anything right now.  It’s a serious funk.

Well, I’m getting called off to do something other than type, so I suppose I should go.  We’re only going to watch NCIS, but it’s a change from Gilmore Girls and it’s being social.  It’s not binge watching Christmas movies with the kids, but I’ll take it.  Anything is better than nothing, right?  And since it’s just about bed time for the kids, it’s what I’ve got.

Interesting News, Sadness, and Stress

On the good side of things, we found out what the problem was with the cops.  That’s a start.  They’re truancy officers, which means they’re not even here for us at all.  That definitely helps me feel more comfortable.  One of them works at my daughter’s school.  So now I’ll feel less stressed when I see them yet a third time.  We’ve already seen them twice, so I have no doubts they’ll be back again.

As for the sadness, it’s official, Miss Darcy is going.  As much as it’s hard for me, I know it’s for the best.  It’s not even hard for me because I love her and I’ll be sad to see her go.  In a way, I’m going to be so relieved.  It’s because I feel guilty.  I brought her into my home.  I swore to keep her and care for her.  Technically the adoption paperwork said I need to return her back to the rescue if for whatever reason I couldn’t keep her, but I just couldn’t do it.  She’d go without a home for who knows how long.  I have someone who will keep her, so that’s what I need to do.  I think Miss Darcy will be a good match there.

Why will giving up Miss Darcy be a relief?  Well, there’s several reasons.  The first and biggest is the burden of cost.  It means twice the vet bills.  Darcy eats half of what Nika does, but even then, it’s the cost of more food.  There’s the stress of getting her nails cut, keeping her groomed, and cleaning up after the dog hair.  Then there’s the exercise component.  Because of the neighbor next door we can’t just let her loose in the back yard to run around.  Because of Darcy’s need to bark, we can’t even just put her out on the line.  She needs to be supervised outside, and because I just don’t have the energy to walk her, that means she’s getting fat, which isn’t good for her.  Plus she plays way too rough with Nika and has a bad tendency to growl at the kids if they get on her nerves.  Since the kids were here first, it’s hard to really take her side, especially where Nika’s so patient with them.  I’m looking forward to having the burden of one less dog in the house.

Of course, it’s not going to be easy, even knowing she’s going to a good home.  I kind of wish this whole thing was so much less stressful.  I’m going to have to walk her down to meet her new owner on Thursday, which means walking out on my own at night.  I’ll probably take Nika along, but it’s not going to be easy to drag her away when Darcy gets left behind.  It’s going to be a hard day on all of us.  I almost wish we could get it over with already so we could be done with it.

As for the stress portion of all of this, knowing that the inspection will be happening over Christmas is stressing me out.  We’ve got so much left to get done.  The painting hasn’t even been started yet.  The cost of everything is burdensome with our income being cut back the way it has.  I’m about ready to give up on all of it, but I know I can’t.  I can’t just walk away from this.  I can’t just curl up in a ball and cry until I’m out of tears.  I can’t just make this easier.  I have to keep moving, keep plowing through, and hope for the best.  I’m exhausted by all of this, but I just have to keep on getting through the day, keep on praying to whoever or whatever is out there that we can get through this.  This is the worst time of year for this to happen.  It’s the best time of the year for someone to come through with a miracle, not that I’m expecting it.  I’m just trying not to shut down as we take this day by day and keep on working through.

Thankfully, on Thursday this will get easier.  On the 15th when we get our check from the VA things will get easier still.  And once this next inspection is over and done with, we’ll know where we stand on the rest of these stresses.  The good news is most of the crayon has been scrubbed off the walls.  Most of the marker has been taken down as much as it will go down.  We’ve got to get some rubbing alcohol for the sharpie (yes, sharpie was apparently in that mix) and nail polish remover for the couple of spots that ended up on the door frame, and I think we’ll be in pretty good standing to paint.  Now I just need to take a deep breath and know we’re doing all we can.

Tomorrow we should be going to the social security office.  Keep your fingers crossed that something good comes out of this.  I could really use some good in my life right now, especially when it comes to finding a sense of stability for myself and my family.

Because I Needed More Worries Today

There’s a cop car outside.  I’m not even sure why there’s a cruiser parked outside my house.  I didn’t hear them knock on my door or anything, so I can only assume it’s got nothing to do with me, but it’s nerve wracking.  I mean, if someone knocked on the door the dogs would start barking like crazy.  That means they’re here for someone else.  It shouldn’t stress me out, but it does.

And how do I know the cops are outside?  They happen to be parked outside my front window.  I can’t even imagine what they’d be here over.  No one in the house is likely to call the cops on anyone else unless it was me.  I mean, the neighbors could easily have the cops called on them by neighbors and that sort of thing, but it’s unlikely.  If they’re still here when it’s time to meet my son at the bus, I’m walking out to meet him, just to be sure I’ve got my butt covered.  That’s almost an hour and a half away, so if it takes that long, surely they’re just visiting, but I can’t imagine why.

Now, I know I’m not doing anything wrong.  I’m just sitting down to watch a Tinkerbell movie with my littlest.  After school was done we’ve been watching a lot of Tinkerbell.  We haven’t been creating a noise disturbance.  The dogs have, overall, been pretty quiet.  We’ve been pretty chill, just like always.  If I’m not doing anything wrong, why am I so afraid of the police?  I guess it’s that I’m always afraid of finding out I’ve broken some law that I never even knew existed and I’ll be arrested.  I know they don’t just arrest people for silly little things, but I’m always worried.  Cops only show up if you’re doing something wrong, which means someone’s done something wrong or why would they be here?

And another cruiser rolled on up, just over twenty minutes in.  Still no knock at my door, so I guess that’s a good thing.  Maybe it was a domestic violence call?  Usually with domestic violence they send two, just in case they need to separate people to talk to them.  I didn’t hear any screaming or craziness, so I have no idea what that would be about.  I have no idea what’s going on, but whatever it is, sending another cruiser doesn’t help.

I’ve got to admit, this has made me a bit of a nosy neighbor.  I peeked out the window to see what was going on out there.  Honestly I just want more than anything for the cops to leave so I can stop worrying about what’s going on.  I went upstairs to see if I could hear the next door neighbors through the wall, but nothing.  Of course, they don’t tend to make a lot of noise when they know it’s going to get them in trouble.  I know it’s not the downstairs neighbors over there because I saw the wife walk out peering in the cruiser to see if there was anyone inside.  It’s not the people downstairs from me because the dogs would think they were knocking for us.  That leaves one family left they could be here to see.  I’m not sure what’s going on with this.  It’s now been over a half an hour and they’re still here.

The part that’s making me most insane is hearing doors opening and closing.  I think I’d be so much better if I knew what was going on and that it definitely didn’t have to do with me.  It’s got to be something major if they’ve been here all this time.  There’s been some stomping next door, but that’s pretty normal.  I’m not sure what they can be doing after all this time.  It’s been over fifty minutes that I know of, who knows how much they were here before that.  I can’t imagine what could possibly take that long unless they were searching the house for something.  I don’t know.  It’s got me on edge.

Oh well.  I think I might put this nervous energy to something useful, something that will hopefully distract me a little bit.  Hopefully that will work because Tinkerbell distracted me for a bit there.  Then in about 25 minutes I need to go out to the porch, at least, and wait for the school bus.

And, never mind.  They just left.  Talk about nerve wracking.  So now you see part of what goes through my mind when I’m having an anxiety attack (complete with breaks so I can stare out the window or otherwise investigate.)  Now I just have to wait for the positive terrifying moment that the mail comes with Nika’s Christmas presents that she may not want and may get early, boots and a jacket for my pup.

Major, Major Anxiety Today

I thought things would get better after yesterday, but they haven’t.  We’ve got a home lined up for Miss Darcy, so that’s a blessing.  I know she’ll be happy there.  I think that’s going to take a huge pressure off of us, but I’m still stressing out.  It’s going to be a tough December.  I’m not looking forward to Christmas this year.  It may just be a lean one, depending on what we get from the charities that are helping us out.  I may not be able to afford to get anything for Nika at all.  I can just hope next year is better.

This year all our money is already spent.  Between rent and bills and everything else, we really don’t have any wiggle room left this month.  The landlord is being all kinds of persnickety about things, and that’s not helping.  I’m going to have to find time to go to the disability office because I can’t function like this.  Money is tight and I’m falling to pieces.  This is not helping anyone.  If anything it’s making it harder for us all.

I’m trying really hard not to let the anxiety get the best of me, but it’s not working out so well.  I keep having these nightmare dreams that Nika is going to get pregnant, even though the other responsible adult in the house swears that’s not possible.  I’m terrified to leave the house with Nika at home.  I’m always afraid she’s going to get into something and get hurt, or that I’ll need her and she won’t be there.  I’m panicking that we’re going to get kicked out if we don’t pay our rent sooner than the 15th, even though the landlord seems to be lenient, so long as we pay off the back rent too.  We really hope to be ahead on paying rent for next month, but we all know how things can go, especially with the VA getting on us because the other responsible adult in the house and I aren’t married.

And that’s something we’re really feeling like we’re going to have to do.  I know it’s just a piece of paper, but that’s a stressful decision to have to make too.  Get married and make $300 more than we did before, or don’t get married and see the income cut to assume half on bills and rent.  That’s possibly going to be crippling.  I don’t see us as having much choice on that one.

In all of this, the only thing I can think is I don’t feel like I’m any better than I used to be.  I’m still taking my meds, but it feels like they’re not doing anything.  This is how I always am when things get this stressful, though in some ways I’m worse because it’s not even as stressful as a situation as, say, being homeless.  At least we have a roof over our heads.

I don’t know.  This is making me wish I could just run away from all of this.  I don’t want to fight anymore.  I’m tired of having to prove how strong I am and this month I’m being tested worse than I have been for a while.  Getting Nika was a huge step in the right direction, but it seems whatever the powers that be are, they gave me this one thing, only to want to slap me back to the stone age again.  Why can’t I ever feel like I’m truly getting out of this rut.  Am I going to have to stay here forever?